Tuesday, July 25, 2006

My, How the MIghty Have Fallen

If I wear a helmet all the time - do you think it would make the rest of my body look smaller?

So this morning we went to the gym. For the second time in two months. And the second time in one week.

What motivated this revolutionary new attitude towards gym going? Last friday my company had a casual day. Which meant that I got to wear pants to work.


(Yes, it's true that on, literally, every day of my working life I wear a skirt of some sort. I've come to terms with it and so can everyone else. I think of it as a very convenient separation of church and state in my closet. Much like Mr. Rogers and his sweaters and sneakers, when I get home from work I ritualistically change out of my skirt into something more comfortable. It works for me, okay?)

So, in preparation for this day of freedom, I tried on all the pants in my pants drawer. All of them. The percentage that fit me? 30. Thirty. Three-Oh.

None of the lovely Joseph pants fit. Not one pair. Even my jeans from last summer didn't fit. Nor did my Agnes B black cotton trousers. Well, they buttoned - but were so tight around my roly-poly waist that I looked like an ant. Of what did fit, a shameful percentage involved either stretch fabrics, drawstring or elastic waists, or the mental note of 'fat pants.'

I realized that my skirts are more forgiving. They can ride up a little higher and still fit. So in a way, my skirt uniform has contributed to the gradual, barely noticed - but very real - expansion of my ass. So, if for no other reason, damn my skirt uniform!

I ended up wearing my Seven for All Mankind jeans that I bought with you and Eugene last fall. They fit. They have lycra in them. God bless the person who thought to put lycra in jeans.

Any hoo, I find the state of my physique to be wanting. After this horrible exercise in futility I looked more closely at the state of things and noticed some dimpling that I had not seen before. Dimpling is bad. Dimpling is very hard to get to go away.

Then I did some math and realized the sheer volume of cash we were wasting not going to the gym. I could buy lots of new pants with that money, but I would rather not allow the Great Ass Expansion to proceed any further. I take my stand here. This is where it ends! Huzzah!

So this morning we got up at 6:45 and went to the gym. I ran around the track (yay air conditioning!) I ran around the sand volleyball court (good lord that was HARD!) I did abs, I did arms, I did The Exercise Which Hath No Name, which a personal trainer taught me and is the single most painful thing you can conceivably do to your ass and outer thighs. Ask me and I will show you sometime. And it will hurt you too.

And I will be back tomorrow. Those Joseph pants are too expensive to throw away.

And I don't look good in dimples.

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