Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
I didn't know what kind of shape I was in when I landed at SFO at 8:40 this morning. The sleepless night prior was a clue, I knew that. But it wasn't until after the two trips to La Boulange, the four-mile walk to Sutro baths, a coke with lime at the Cliff House, manicure/pedicure at Lavande, hours of napping, unusual dreams and then grapefruit juice and thai shrimp potstickers that I really got it.
I just needed to catch up with myself. This is what naps are for, and dreams that wake you with a perfect understanding of what you needed to hear about the world. It turns out I've spent the last few weeks doing the right things finally - apologizing in the right way, standing my ground about the right things, the right letting go, the right holding on. Not right with a capital R, just right in my way. The way that lets me feel settled in myself and quiet for a change.
There are a lot of things I don't tell you about myself. The meanings in my dreams this afternoon swirled around all that, they were about pilgrimages, leaving the house, coming back to find a note there, saying that someone had prayed for me. "I never understood the significance of that before," I told the person in the dream, taking the hand-written card from the doorsill, holding it like a gift. Some of the days I spend in this world, I am its lover, some days, its beloved. Too few find me the beloved, but today was different. I was too tired to be anything but loved. Sometimes that's a good thing.
Friday, May 22, 2009
This weekend we have our first trip away from the boys... to a wedding in Florida. Not to disparage the boys, but I am PSYCHED!
We planned it so very long ago that it sort of just crept up on me. Maybe because Memorial Day is so early this year? I actually thought it was next weekend. That should explain just how out of touch with reality I am. Continuous sleep deprivation (thanks for teething this week, boys) will do that to you.
In any case, we are flying down to Palm Beach tomorrow morning. I have my boho wardrobe all planned:
- Liz Hurley caftan beach cover-up? Check!
- Jack Rogers Sandals? Check!
- Gold Bernardo Sandals? Check!
- Over-sized tortoise-shell sunglasses? Check!
- Violently yellow, lime and orange vintage Lilly Pulitzer dress? Check!
- White jeans? Check!
- Fuscia DVF chiffon halter top? Check!
Of course, none of this really matters because my big plan is to sleep. A lot. In our room, by the pool, on the beach... wherever... just sleep. Without babies to wake me. Or keep me awake, as has been more common lately.
No diapers to change, no meals to prepare, no baths to give or pj's to put on. No bottles, no teething, no reading time, no crying. For 48 whole hours.
Of course, by Monday morning that list will be revised to: No wet sloppy kisses! No delicious little fingers! No desperate hugs!
But, in advance, I want to thank Carolyn for these 48 hours because, as much as I will be missing the boys at the end of them, right now I am looking forward to rest, relaxation and some quality time with the husband.
And maybe a strawberry daquiri. Or two.
Posted by LadyGripe at 5/22/2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
*with apologies to Pam Houston. :-)
Much to my delight, I'm a girlfriend today. This weekend, Andrew was talking about someone he's fond of and said "Oh my god, she's got the best crow's feet!" as though he was talking about, well, an entirely different kind of body part. Then he looked at me sideways and said "You've got some pretty good lines on your face too."
And you know what? He's right. Happiness will do that to you.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Mom's visit was fun and far far too short.
We didn't do much - but sometimes those are the best trips.
We did manage to make a trip to the Met. Which involved my embarrassing lack of a sense of direction in Central Park, dirty water dogs, a fabulous lunch in the European Sculpture Garden, Max's first taste of gelato (mmmmmm) and his first bus trip, some fabulous gowns, some fabulous art... and many many squishes.
Mom and I also discovered a new favorite show (there's quite a bit of time when the boys are sleeping! We had to put the big TV to use), The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency on HBO is really good. You would love it. We spent a lot of time talking about how you would love it.
We also watched the Prom/80's episode of Gossip Girl and talked about how much you would probably not love that. Tomorrow night should be a good one though!
Mom left Tuesday, I headed back to the gym. the boys are getting their molars. I think that pretty much covers all the excitement here! Love you, miss you.
Posted by LadyGripe at 5/18/2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
A. are in Idaho hunting mushrooms
B. are in the Boeing overstock warehouse climbing a pile of desks
C. heard that Mercury was in retrograde until the 30th, causing communication to be subject to mishap and misunderstanding and don't want to risk it
E. just grabbed the Hubble Space Telescope and are preparing for some tough repairs
F. are hiding under a blanket with a bucket of chicken, crying and watching Steel Magnolias
G. were eaten by sunflowers
H. are stuck in line at the new penguin exhibit at Woodland Park Zoo
I. got your fingers stuck in the fax machine
J. are not allowed contact with the outside world until after the final episode airs
K. are on tour in Spain with Wilco
L. are engaged in a bitter fight to the death with the DOR
M. have to defend the fax machine at a conference of scanner manufacturers
N. have top secret FOE business to attend to
O. got two tickets to paradise
P. are running with the devil
Q. slept in! All day!
R. went coo-coo for cocoa puffs
S. are busy buying the world a coke
T. are in Chicago taping the Dr Phil show about girls who talk too long to other guys at the bar
U. have a lot more Scientific Americans to read before you are caught up
V. are racing for the cure
W. have resigned due to the Miss California controversy
X. are just wishing the work would do itself
Y. got your heel stuck in a crack in the sidewalk and can't get it loose without help
Z. just don't really feel like talking to me
There are a lot of things to talk about with Kate. Summer things. Adventures, dresses, food. Small towns and getaways and soul searching and what to do with this one life, and of course boys and pie. But my favorite thing to talk about with her is probably writing. It's not the easiest topic to get started on, such an amorphous yet unwieldy thing. We manage though. There are nuts and bolts there, her blog and our blog. Conversations that have come up about what our writing processes reveal about our thought processes. Things like that. We get into it, and when we do, it's good.
Last night at Hazlewood, I was telling her that I haven't posted here in ages - "What are you talking about? You just posted last week!" she said. But of course, as I told her, the standard is something else for me, I want it daily, I want to keep track and record and remember. When I told her that I wrote on the blog every day when I was at the ranch, she said "Wow. What did you write about?" and truth be told, that's the exact same question I've been asking myself lately.
What is there to say, really? So many stories just don't go here - like mistakes made that hurt people, or moments of risk or vulnerability that belong to someone I love rather than to me. Those things occupy my mind a lot, how we sort through those things, or don't. I wait for a phone call, or try to make an apology, or struggle with the way something I've said has been misinterpreted, taken the wrong way, bristled at. At work, too, nearly everything belongs behind closed doors, is proprietary or confidential or personal. Those are the kinds of pursuits I'm involved in.
I think what made the daily writing at the ranch possible was that it was just me. It was all blue skies, and books, and knitting and the dogs, whose every last secret I could tell. Back here, everything is more tangled and gritty. There are disappointments, expectations. There are things to long for and things that need to get done. At the ranch, it's just the day. The long day, punctuated by a few small tasks - carrying water for the horses, feeding the dogs, myself, going to sleep late or not.
Still, as much as I struggle with how to say any of what my mind lingers on these days, there's always a way. A way into the conversation with Kate about writing, a way to sit down and actually do it. Get something out, lines on the screen, questions about things, a warm-up. A start.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Versions of things. Things in process. A messy car. Food in the fridge, finally. Vegetables. Ice cream. Overdue library materials. A lot of black cardigans. Extra furniture. Books to read. Unusually good girlfriends. A jump start on Mother's Day.
Still have a box of goodies to send to the boys, way way after their birthday. A date with dad for HIS birthday. Four hours of meetings tomorrow. A desire to curl up on the couch under a comforter with a movie I've already seen. One where the female lead is wearing a lot of delicious outfits and the male lead is wry and clever. I'll take a big bowl of buttered popcorn with that. Thanks.
Friday, May 01, 2009
It's been a crazy week around here, between sick babies, sick nannies and whatnot. A hard week to walk away from feeling very psyched. Mostly I am just looking forward to the weekend and hoping for an opportunity for next week to be better.
We are heading up to Vermont tonight, and I am going to do my level best to just have a nice, relaxed weekend with the boys. No plans up there, but sometimes that's for the best.
I hope that you have a great weekend!
Posted by LadyGripe at 5/01/2009