Saturday, June 07, 2008

My little men


So, the boys are three months old and this week I go back to work.

The past thirteen weeks with them have been so fantastic for me. Seeing them change on a daily basis, watching every little 'first', having them give me their milky smiles and giggles and little cat cries has opened my heart to the point of collapse.

To me, they are the most fascinating creatures and when I am away from them, even for a little while, it feels like I am missing a limb. I can hardly imagine what it will be like to be away from them for the majority of the day starting Wednesday.

I'm lucky, we've found someone to care for them who treats them with love and tenderness and attentiveness that I barely dared hope for. She also does for them things that I just haven't had the energy too - baths first thing in the morning? Every day? Not after the midnight, 3AM, 6AM, and 8AM feedings! Mommy needs a nap!

But that's also part of the difficulty of leaving them with her. They give her those milky smiles. They giggle for her too. She gets to spend all day bathing in their untutored adoration, and it breaks my heart a bit to think about it.

I know that I am their mommy, and she can't replace me. I know that I will have experiences with them that she won't, but still it is pulling at my heartstrings and I expect the next few weeks to be a bit teary-eyed around these parts.

I remember Dad telling me once that having children was like letting your heart walk around outside of your body. Now I really know what he meant.

I'll be leaving my heart(s) in somebody else's hands.


Heather said...

Sweet photo. Screw work. I love you. And those boys.

Barb said...

Love the photo. And I totally get what you're talking about leaving them with someone else. Somebody told me the hardest part would be that Sam would smell like someone else when I saw him at the end of the day. That WAS hard, but it just meant that he was being held a lot... all good. And now that he's 6 months old everyone tells me you can tell I'm his mommy when I walk in a room. Babies are different with their mommies. It's not just a warm attachment... it's need. Those boys need you in a way that they don't need anyone else, and when you see them at the end of the day they will light up, and so will you. No matter how tired you all are. Isn't motherhood the most rewarding exhausting thing? Good luck on Wednesday, Alison. It will get easier, but the sleep deprivation never goes away. :)

Dakota said...

Your Dad is so wise...that's exactly what it's like. The first day I went back to work I took the Water Taxi across Elliott Bay (hoping that would make it a little more bearable than the bus)...I tried to knit a little, but I just sat there looking out the window at the rain and crying. The next day was still hard, but everyone cried a little the end of the first week, we were in a routine and all was well. Of course we've had little bumps along the way, but what I'm saying is, yes it's wrenching, yes you will cry, but it will be fine...and your boys have a bond with you that can never be broken or lessened in any way. I'll be thinking of you all day on Wednesday and sending you lots of love.